Belonging - Ntibayimdusha Gad De Stael and Anna Draper

What is belonging?

Merriam-Webster defines belonging as “a close or intimate relationship,” or “a possession.” Within the first definition belonging can be quite complex, can relate to a person, a specific group of people like a family, a larger community of people, or a place, object, something that is inanimate but still provides that sense of belonging. This kind of belonging is a little like the other definition, but is mutual. You belong to your family, but also your family belongs to you. You own your home, but also your home is the place where you belong, it is a relationship of two sided ‘ownership,’ and the trust, safety, and loving give and take is something that people deeply need and crave. Simply put it is feeling safe, loved and protected by the people or community you are surrounded with regardless of the time or situation you are in. 


Because belonging is two sided, belonging consists of two parts: being safe and being claimed.



1. Being claimed: The need to belong to something or someone


True belonging never asks us to change who we are; it demands that we be who we are. In true belonging, you feel completely seen, completely known, and completely chosen. You don’t belong under the condition that you will become someone else, or under the condition that you behave according to certain rules, you belong exactly as you are because you are known and loved.

There is a vulnerability to being known that is necessary to truly belonging. Being known is a risk, but to not allow yourself to me known and seen is to risk a life of isolation, of not belonging to anything. 

“Vulnerability is not weakness. It's about the willingness to show up and be seen when you can't control the outcome and it is actually our greatest measure of courage. So show up in an authentic way and let us see your hearts because we know how lonely you actually are.’’ -Brené Brown


A People Belonging to God

“But you are a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of His own possession.”

1 Peter 2:9 

“On that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you”

John 14:20


According to the bible, God claims his people as his own. God is, in himself, community and belonging. God is trinity, Father, Son, Spirit, and they live in perfect community and belong to one another. As Jesus says in John 14, he is in the Father, united as one, knowing and loving one another completely. And in a similar way, he is in us, his people, and we are in him.

This is the perfect expression of that kind of belonging, of being claimed. God knows us completely, we are seen, and with all of our success and all of our failures in full view, God chose to claim us at great personal cost. This is the completion of the human need to belong.

In addition, God does not only claim us as his own, but tells us to belong to one another. Jesus says a chapter later “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34) In everything that God’s love for us entails, knowing one another, choosing to hold to our promises despite failing, sacrificing for one another, Jesus calls us to belong to one another. This is the work and the heart of the church. We belong to God, and through the power of the Spirit, we belong to each other.

This love and acceptance needs to be like the love that Jesus extends to us, extravagant and unconditional. Seek to know everyone for who they are and to love and accept them as they are, don’t identify them by any disabilities or disorders they might suffer from or try to fix them to become the person you feel they should be.

''If we present anything to the world that is less than authentic we don't actually fit in. It's a complete ruse we don't fit in any more than a wolf fur in if it's dressed as a sheep in a sheep herd.'' -Teal Swan


2. Being safe: the need to have something or someone belong to you.

This belonging is not one sided though, you are not just claimed, but you claim for yourself your people, your home, you God. There is someone that you know belongs to you, that you can depend on, that will keep you safe. This is where you run when you need comfort, where you look when you need help, or when you need advice. You are safe because you have constant help. 

There are many levels of people that can belong to you, that can make you feel safe. You can claim a larger community or culture. You can claim and belong among a smaller community, like a team, a group that meets regularly, a specific church community. You also can claim a few close friends or family members, a spouse or romantic partner, individuals you trust implicitly to be there for you, to care for you, to keep you safe.

In Genesis 2 after creating the very first human being, God looks at the goodness of creation and says “it is not good for the man to be alone.” (Gen. 2:18) This is often used to refer specifically to a marriage relationship, but whether you are married or single, the truth is that the good and complete life that God has designed is not simply to belong to yourself, to the goodness of creation, and to God, but also to the human beings, whether that is a spouse, a close friend, or a family relationship, we need to belong to one another, to have someone to be our helper in times of joy and in times of trouble.


How to Increase Your Sense of Belonging

Meditating and Praying

There are many spiritual disciplines that help you to know yourself and to know God. It is important to take time out of your day to cultivate connection with God, knowledge of yourself and to reflect on the way that you relate to others and the world around you. Dedicate time to being alone, in silence, in the presence of the Spirit of God. We live in a culture of constant mental and emotional stimulation and pressures, and the mind as well as the spirit needs to take time to slow and to consider the things that are most important to you.

Many of these practices include thinking about and dissecting your journey so far in order to learn something, not from a place of judgement or condemnation, but to understand where you succeeded in being the person you want to be, where you didn’t, and how you can choose to be better tomorrow. This must be done in a spirit of joy, you don’t grow if you spend this time beating yourself down for not being good enough. All people sin, all people fail to be the best person that they are called to be, but in the grace of God we can strive to be better. Do it daily, even if it only for 5 minutes.

Take deep breaths, breathe in through your nose, and then breathe out through your mouth more slowly than your in breath. The Hebrew word in the bible that is used to describe the Spirit of God is the same as the word for breath, Ruakh. When God created humanity out of the dust of the earth and his breath of life, that is his divine spirit, his life force, his Ruakh. When you breathe in, consider the Spirit of God moving in and through you with every breath, his presence sustaining you with every inhale. There are many practices that you can explore from here, you can examine your day, where you choose the love and freedom of God in your relationships, actions, and words, and where you did not. You can meditate or scripture, or on a traditional prayer from the church tradition that you belong to. What is important is that you open your heart in stillness and with intention to the power and the presence of the Spirit of God.


“When we are (1) present with the people around us, (2) no longer distracted by the infinite inner rings elsewhere, and (3) aware of and appreciating the people, places, and opportunities available to us right now, then we have real power to create belonging.’’ -Charles Vogl



Anchor of connection

It is important to ensure that you spend time enjoying and cultivating the relationships that you have with others in which you know you belong. Life is busy, and the relationships that keep us safe and make us feel complete are important and need to be built up and protected.

Creating patterns and rituals cultivate a sense of connection and belonging. These are actions that you repeat with deep intention. You can engage in a traditional ritual from your culture, or a religious ritual, or create your own ritual with your friends and families. As long as you return again and again to an action that you find deep meaning in, be in taking part in a religious sacrament, or eating a special meal together with family every Saturday.

Best place rituals are with your friends and families, in your intimate relationships, and within your communities

Fill in the blank sentences to say to significant others in relationship repeatedly each day. ‘’The thing I love about you most today is…’’ -Baya Voce 



Tragedy

Is a strife necessary for us to get to understand each other and help each other? Often shared experiences of strife, pain, and grief are how bonds are deepened. All people go through struggles in their lives, and need the support of other people who can understand the experience of deep grief and pain. Having people who are going through what we are going through helps greatly to associate with them and help psychologically. It decreases stress. Sitting face to face and talking directly is better than through technology and online. 

In Isaiah 53:2, a prophecy about the suffering servant - Jesus - describes him as “A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” The beauty of the incarnation of Jesus is that God lived a fully human life, experienced human grief, pain, disappointment, and betrayal. Jesus does not scorn your pain or dismiss it, but like a dear friend sits with you and sheds tears with you in your darkest hour. According to Psalm 56, God so closely cares about our pain, he records our misery, and collects our tears in a bottle.




“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you

will be wise.”


– Proverbs 19:20



Additional Resources:


Spiritual Wellness PDF provides a series of explanations that help you better understand belonging and spirituality. 


  • Questions to ask: How can I provide a sense of belonging to this person? And What would I say or do differently if I consider them to be a permanent part of me?


Resources:

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